2005年 07月 26日
Coping with emergencies the British way: The nearest branch of Pret has sold out of chocolate cake.
These terrorists are rubbish.
They'll be caught next week, having successfully demonstrated that the British react to terrorism with indifference. We grew up with it, you see. What with this being a civilised country, they will not receive the death penalty, but be locked up for the rest of their lives, to be regularly sodomised by other inmates while they slowly realise that their interpretation of their religion is a pile of old hokum. Whoops. Meanwhile, I'll be out in London, partying.
On days like this, the music radio stations play sad music - if they play any music at all. I turned on the radio in the bathroom when I was taking my shower just now, and they were playing "One" by U2.
HAVEN'T WE SUFFERED ENOUGH?
All these explosions are rather scary.
Don't suppose the French are that sore at losing the Olympics, are they?
BBC Parliament internal email:
There has been a widespread outbreak of grumbling and tutting today in London, along with a large number of people going home instead of to work, with a certain amount of guilty pleasure. Sorry, bad guys. We've been bombed before, and we just adjust our day to account for it. This is London calling.
It was just announced that the queen is deeply shocked and that it has been decided that the Congestion charge (a toll to use a car in London) will not be in place today - how I love the British.
"I'd like to congratulate today's terrorists for achieving nothing but instilling a fierce patriotism back into the British Isles, creating a rather wide-spread rash of Blitz Spirit, and giving me a day off work.
I'm a bit pissed off that you nearly blew up some of my friends, but at the end of the day - you failed. We're still here, we're not scared of you."
From the BBC website: statement from Al Qaeda:
"Britain is now burning with fear, terror and panic in its northern, southern, eastern, and western quarters".
Erm really... where? I think you will find that's a reaction to the winning the Olympics bid or perhaps just the effect Bush has on us when he visits?!
When the news reporter said "Shopkeepers are opening their doors bringing out blankets and cups of tea" I just smiled. It's like yes. That's Britain for you. Tea solves everything.
You're a bit cold?
Your boyfriend has just left you?
You've just been told you've got cancer?
Coordinated terrorist attack on the transport network bringing the city to a grinding halt?
And if it's really serious, they may bring out the coffee. The Americans have their alert raised to red, we break out the coffee. That's for situations more serious than this of course. Like another England penalty shoot-out [in soccer].
"It's hard to panic the British. They've dealt with the Blitz, the IRA, the Silurians, the Zarbi, the Daleks, the Cybermen..."
"Terrorists -- Dude, London?! WTF were you thinking?! XRef: Blitz, IRA, Ru Paul."
To quote an old Londoner who lived through the blitz and got caught up in the Canary Wharf explosion: "I've been blown up by a better class of bastard than this!"
"We took on the Romans, the Saxons, the Danes, the French, William Wallace, the Black Plague, the Roundheads, the Great Fire, Napoleon, the Nazis, and the Blitz, and we're still here. You terrorists are bloody amateurs."
"They're asking everyone to stay within the office."
"Oh. What about lunch?"
"We can go out for lunch, right?"
"Well are you ordering pizza or something?"
They did their worst, and they managed to disrupt our transport network and get fatalities in the low double figures. That happens on a fairly regular basis anyway, you twits. What's your next trick - a fiendish weather control device which makes it rain on a bank holiday weekend?"
People have been trying to blow up bits of London for decades. Centuries, in fact. This one's nothing special. It's no different to any of the others. London's reaction to it is typified by my friend Jeff, who was actually *running* to catch the bus that was blown up.
"I went to Euston: went to the tube and there was a loud bang. and we were sent out! Then we were sent out of the station so I half ran to Tavistock Place to catch a bus to Victoria. And then it went bang, so I thought "b****r that"."
"Al Qaeda say: 'Britain is now burning with fear, terror and panic in its northern, southern, eastern, and western quarters.' Bitch, please. Osama, you live in a fucking cave. You're like an evil Batman or something. No wonder you have a thing for blowing up commuters, because you will never commute because you live in a cave. You see transport, and you are filled with rage, because you? Live in a cave. You could try forming a political wing to... oh, wait, you can't because YOU LIVE IN A CAVE. Twat.
The BBC paused news coverage to show *Eastenders*. That'd be the nationwide fear, terror and panic, then."
America says, "Let me get this straight. You've been trying for ten years to blow up an overinflated superpower run by the petty excuse for a mad cowboy... a country that takes three years to implement security systems meant to compensate for yesterday's incident... the country that invented irresponsible hysterical journalism... a country that has systematically managed to alienate everyone in the world... and you couldn't even do that... so you decided to take a crack at London? The place that has dealt with the IRA and the Blitz? The place that gets suspicious if it hasn't been bombed in a year? What were you thinking??? America is with you, London! Yeee-haw!"
Israel says, "Let me get this straight. You've been trying for eighty years to blow up a country that's smaller than Switzerland. A country full of your own co-religionists, a country where every adult citizen under the age of 55 is a soldier on eleven months' leave, a country whose airline security puts James Bond to shame... and this challenge has somehow evaded you... so you decided to have a go at England? We've been dodging your shots since the 19-teens... they've been dodging your shots since the bloody Crusades! You think we've had practice putting our lives back together: meet the guys who've been doing it for a thousand years! You pathetic little morons! The Spanish Armada didn't faze the English, the Nazis didn't faze the English, and you think they're going to pay any attention to you? Ha! Israel is with you, England! Mamash sababa!"